Everything Will Be All Right
by VIII of XIII
Summary: The fact that he doesn't have a life of his own won't stop Axel from being part of Sora's. It's the pain that'll do that. AxelRoxas, RikuSora, SoraAxel if you squint. Post KH2, non AU.


**Title:** Everything Will Be All Right

**Genre:** Kingdom Hearts, angst/romance, post-KHII, canon-based

**Pairing:** Axel/Roxas/Axel, Riku/Sora/Riku, mild Sora/Axel

**Rating:** PG-13

**Word Count:** 3,455

**Summary:** When Sora's alone, Axel is there unless Sora asks him to leave.

**Note:** This story's song is "Everything Will Be Alright" by the Killers.

---

When he's alone, Sora never feels like he's alone. In the sappy sense, the sense that he's loved by his family and friends and because of that love always has those people by his side, of course he never feels alone. But in the literal sense, the sense of being physically with or without another person in the house, in the room, even in his personal space, he never feels like he's alone. That feeling of unseen companionship is not something he looks for nor something he wants, but on the other hand it's not something he dislikes or particularly worries about. It's just confusing. It's not his other half. His other half is always there, but he's not something that strikes Sora as a separate presence, and he knows it's not him because he doesn't just feel like he's alone – he feels like he's being _watched_.

The feeling is particularly strong one day when Sora knows he's the only one in the house. He's sprawled out across his mattress trying to forcibly plow his way through some classic literature and all of a sudden he feels it – no threat, no discomfort, just eyes on him. He's not in the best mood – he's got to be done with this reading by Monday and he can't concentrate, damn it – and it's been months since he started to feel this way and suddenly he's fed up with the mystery.

He feels like he's being watched from over by his desk, and he knows perfectly well that there's never anything where he feels like he's being watched from, but he turns and throws his book at the desk anyway, and he's too shocked to scream when his eyes catch up with his actions in time to see the tome fly straight through Axel.

_You didn't forget me, did you?_

---

When Sora's alone, Axel is there unless Sora asks him to leave. Sora never asks him to leave because Sora is too kind for that, and also because when Axel is around, it lends calm and relief to the gut-wrenching pain that Axel's arrival dredged up in the deepest part of the boy, tempering it to a simple heartache. Axel lies on Sora's bed while Sora writes term papers, and he waits patiently in the hall while Sora does things like showering and dressing, leaning against the wall and not looking through it.

Sora asks if he can touch Axel one day, and Axel is silent for a moment but then nods and says that yes, of course he can. Sora tries to brush his fingers over the smooth, translucent skin of the Axel's cheek, but there's nothing there except air and the distinct feeling of cold. Sora's shoulders slump and the cold seems to go right to his heart, and Axel just apologizes and slouches off out of sight.

When Sora is at school Axel practices pushing around things like pencils, then things like plushies, then things like water glasses, getting stronger and better at it all the time, and eventually he even gets strong enough to pick some objects up. Sora comes home and things have moved, and he doesn't ask Axel about it. He knows Axel is doing it, and he has a feeling he knows what Axel wants. But he doesn't say anything.

Sometimes Sora comes home, or wakes up, or just looks across the room, and he realizes that Axel has changed, that he doesn't look the same as he did yesterday, last week, last month now. It's been a month, hasn't it? More than a month. Axel looks different; Sora can see more of him, less of what's behind him. Sora looks at this, Axel looks up, Sora looks away. He sits and chews on his lip and thinks about things he can't really put words to. A part of him hopes, and that hope is crushed by reality, and a part of Sora is broken as well.

---

Sora wonders if Axel minds Riku. When Riku asks Sora out, Sora's ecstatic. Their lives have been torn apart and pieced back together, and now those pieces are starting to meld into something that's not quite the same but more beautiful than before. But there's one piece that doesn't fit right anymore, and there's another piece that wasn't even part of the puzzle to begin with and that has no place. The puzzle has changed, his place is taken.

Sora comes home from his very first date to find Axel curled up in his bed, holding his pillow like he'd hold a person, eyes staring straight ahead and looking at nothing. He doesn't acknowledge Sora as the boy greets him, takes off his jacket and puts it on his chair, and comes over to sit on the edge of the mattress. Axel just buries his face in Sora's pillow when Sora says his name. He takes a few deep breaths. Axel never breaths, not unless he needs the air to say something, or to smell something.

_You're so different from him._

Sometimes Sora wants to be able to hold Axel.

---

Sora wonders if Axel dislikes Riku. When Riku comes over to Sora's house while his mother isn't home, he and Sora watch a movie, one of those movies that doesn't really get watched, one of those movies that becomes all lips and hands and hormones. Their first kiss turns into their first make out session, and when Riku has to leave Sora doesn't want him to go. He wants Riku to stay. He doesn't want to climb up the stairs and face Axel.

Axel is curled up in his bed again, face buried in the pillow. He's shaking, and it takes Sora by surprise to find that Axel can cry. He brushes his fingers over Axel's hair – it's half tangible now, and it's cold, so cold it almost burns his fingers, but it doesn't hurt, not as much as it hurts to see him like this. When Axel finally moves, he won't make eye contact with Sora. He never does at times like these. He just gets up and goes to sit in the chair by the desk. The pillow is darkened with tears, but when Sora reaches out to brush his fingers over it, there's no moisture. Only cold.

Sitting in the chair, Axel fades. If Sora calls him back, he'll come, but Sora doesn't. He doesn't even like to look at Axel when he does this; it's unnerving, and painful, and it's the only time that Axel comes close to scaring him.

_I don't know what I expected._

Sometimes Sora lies awake all night.

---

Sora wonders if Axel hates Riku. When Riku takes his virginity, it's messy and it has to be rushed and it feels so good. But it happens late in the afternoon, and there's school tomorrow, and Riku's mom calls him and if Riku doesn't get home right now they won't be doing that again for a while, so Sora kisses him goodbye and it takes ten minutes, and then Riku's gone. And Sora remembers Axel. He always remembers Axel afterwards, and now he realizes that he's alone, and that he _feels_ alone. His stomach turns over. He wonders if Axel has left, if he's driven him off, if Axel is gone and hasn't said goodbye. That would tear Sora apart, but something in his mind tells him Axel hasn't gone, not really.

It's going to storm tonight, hard. It's been a day that turns everything into shades of grey, and the wind is blowing in from the other side of the island, out toward the water here, so forcefully it feels like it's going to push the town into the sea. Sora puts on his white windbreaker, pulls the hood up, and leaves the house, running down the deserted streets toward the beach.

He finds Axel on a stretch of sand where no roads go, where no buildings crowd up against the waterfront. Axel is screaming, screaming so hard that if he had any his lungs would be hoarse and burning right now. That long black coat is whipping in the wind, and so is that flaming red hair muted by the grey of the early evening, and Axel's thin frame is clearly outlined and looks like it might crumble at any moment, trying to hold him there under the force of the gale.

Sora shouts Axel's name as he runs through the grass and climbs down the rocks to get to the open sand. Axel just keeps screaming; he's not even screaming anything, not even screaming at anything, just sounding pure pain, pure rage, at the universe that fucked him over. If not for the wind, half the town would have heard, would have _had_ to, but the wind is the only thing stronger than the voice that could tear a throat until it coughed up blood, and it carries the voice out to sea and loses it as though that broken spirit means nothing at all.

When Sora reaches Axel across the sand, he grabs him from behind, his head barely reaching Axel's shoulders and his arms wrapping around his waist. Axel is so corporeal it's almost impossible to make out anything through him, and the cold doesn't almost hurt, it's just cold, it's so little to put up with. Axel doesn't look at him; he just lets the impact of Sora into his back knock him to his knees, and he falls forward onto the sand, catching himself on his forearms. He lets his head hang and he just keeps screaming, and every time he does it tears through Sora like a knife. Axel pounds his fist against the sand, over and over and the impacts produce flares that are nearly white hot, fire that looks as cold as Axel is.

Eventually, Axel exhausts himself. He stills, and the screams fade to sobs, and all he can do is cry and all Sora can do is hold onto him. Pretty soon the rain starts; hard, driving drops that are only sporadic, slowly getting heavier. They mix with Axel's tears, and they mix with Sora's, and Axel is fading again, he's too tired right now, but he follows Sora home.

_I can't do this anymore. _

Sometimes Sora thinks about suicide.

---

Sora asks Axel to show himself to Riku. He prepares Riku, he says there's something he needs him to see, needs him to know. He asks him not to freak out, and he asks Axel to come into the room. Axel does, and Riku doesn't freak out; Riku might not have the capacity to freak out anymore, with all of the impossible things he's seen in his short life. Riku is startled, but he accepts, and Sora breathes a sigh of relief, because now Riku knows why he gets distracted, why he gets distant sometimes, why sometimes he's sad for no reason and needs to be alone.

Riku understands, Riku _always_ understands now in a way he didn't understand when they were children, and Sora doesn't have to wonder if he minds, or dislikes, or hates Axel. Sora loves Riku all the more for that, and Riku loves Sora for the heart that makes him care so deeply. But they both know that it's not just Sora's heart that makes him care for Axel; they both know there's part of him that needs Axel, that's completed by him, that doesn't want anything else and feels like it's dying every day. There's a part of Sora that doesn't love Riku, that doesn't even _like_ Riku, whose only heart is Axel.

Sora admits that it's hard sometimes – a lot of the time – keeping that part from taking over. Sometimes it seeps out when he's with Axel, and that's when it hurts the most, and he tries to keep it down and bottle that part of him up inside, hold all that pain and that rage and that love because he's afraid he'll lose himself if he lets it all out at once.

Riku says that all he wants is to help.

---

When Axel tells Sora that he can't stay anymore, Sora begs and pleads and implores him to, he gets down on his knees and grabs Axel's coat and ignores the cold and shakes his head furiously and cries and shouts that he can't go, _why_ does he have to go?

Axel replies that he's tearing Sora apart, that he can't do this to him, that he's only making this more difficult on everyone, on every part of Sora. He says that he'll be waiting, that everything will be all right, that someday he'll take that part of Sora that he wants, that they'll all move on together, even Riku. He doesn't hate Riku, he understands Riku, he and Riku are the same piece of the puzzle. He says he made a promise to part of Sora, even if he thought it was an empty one at the time, and that he knows he can keep it.

But not now.

Sora asks when he's leaving; Axel says soon. Sora locks himself in his room all day, and it becomes a cycle of sobs that wrack his body until his muscles hurt, until the tears run out and he's exhausted, and he slips into a sleep that gives him no rest until he wakes himself up with more sobs and more tears. He wonders if he pleads harder, if he just keeps begging, if Axel will stay; but he remembers that Axel tried that tactic once, and it didn't work, and that makes it so much worse.

Finally there's a knock at the door, late in the evening, another one of those stormy evenings when rain is pounding down outside; it can't be his mother, she's left for the night shift, and why would Axel knock on the door? But it's not his mother, and it's not Axel; it's Riku, but he has Axel with him. He's wet from where his windbreaker couldn't keep the rain off of him, and the sound of the storm covered up the sound of him letting himself in with the key under the little ceramic cat on the porch. Sora's face is red and raw, but he's not crying right now; Riku woke him up. He steps aside to let him in.

Riku doesn't say anything. His windbreaker is downstairs and he takes off his hoodie, and Axel closes the door, and Sora is about to ask what they're doing when Axel steps over to Riku and through him – but not _through_ him, _into_ him. Riku's body stiffens and then all his muscles go slack and he just barely keeps on his feet, his arms hanging limply at his sides and his head dropping forward so that his face is hidden by his hair.

And then he looks up at Sora through those silver-white bangs and he looks the same as he always did, except that his eyes are so different, the same, his and not his, and when Sora looks at him he sees Riku but feels Riku _and_ Axel, two parts of some patched-together whole. He wonders if he feels the same way to them.

Sora keeps trying to ask what's going on, why they're doing this, but he can't get the words to come out and just lets Riku push him gently onto the bed, and when he pulls out two strips of cloth his breath catches and his heart begins trying to pound its way out of his chest. Riku is gentle, kisses his cheeks and chin and jaw over and over as he ties the blindfold on him and makes sure it won't come loose, and then Sora waits in the dark as Riku does the same to himself. Then Riku's hands are on his sides and his hips and their chests are pressed together as Riku straddles his lap and presses him down to the bed, and when Sora is pinned between him and the mattress he feels Riku's cheek brush against his and then a hot breath on his ear, and it's no longer Riku.

_Let go. Please._

Sora does. He lets everything in himself unwind, like a taut rope snapping and uncoiling. His body jerks and his breath leaves him, and when he gasps in air to fill his empty lungs he's not himself anymore, he's a visitor in his own body.

---

When Axel and Roxas change their relationship, they're hardly even themselves anymore. As soon as Roxas is in control, as soon as Sora _gives_ him control, he grabs hold of Axel like he's the only thing keeping him anchored to reality, and all he can do is bury his face in his neck and sob out the same three choked words over and over. He's never said them before and now he can't stop, and Axel is saying them back and it's impossible to tell how long it takes them to get that out, but it doesn't feel anywhere near enough. Axel has always been the emotional one, the one who can't get it through his skull that he's a nobody, that he can't feel; the one who doesn't know how to hold it back. But now he's the one who has to calm down Roxas, who kisses his face over and over until his lips press away that tension and Roxas begins to just breath, but Roxas doesn't loosen his hold on Axel, doesn't know if he _can_.

When Axel and Roxas have their first kiss, they've hardly been more than friends for an evening. They've been holding each other for who knows how long, wrapped around their borrowed bodies and whispering the same repetitions until the words become a mantra, and then they're silent, just feeling each other because there's nothing more to say, nothing to discuss, nothing else matters. And then Roxas turns to whisper in Axel's ear that Sora doesn't mind if Riku doesn't mind, and Axel takes only a split second to turn and press his lips to Roxas's, and immediately it's returned and it's entirely new and awkward but there's muscle memory there that's not their own, and these bodies know what they're doing because these bodies go together like they do.

When Axel and Roxas make love for the first time, they've barely gotten past their first kiss. At first kissing is enough, but soon it's not, it's not nearly enough to show what they want to show, to tell each other what they're firmly convinced the other cannot possibly fully comprehend, and nothing more will ever be able to convey that, but at least they can try. Fingers under clothes, skin under lips, and soon everything is gone but the blindfolds. The blindfolds can't hide that they're not what they should be. Roxas is a little too skinny, Axel isn't quite skinny enough. Roxas smells like sugar instead of salt, Axel smells like salt instead of ash. But it doesn't matter; they are who they are and they feel what they feel and that's enough, it's more than enough, every touch and word is stolen. These bodies know, so it's not difficult when Roxas takes Axel and is taken by Axel. It takes them all night.

The morning comes and they haven't slept, and the only reason they know it's morning at all is that the blindfolds aren't quite thick enough to hide the rising of the sun, and they know they can't stay like this, there isn't enough time in existence but they've taken all they can and anything more would be unfair. Axel whispers that he has to go, and Roxas shakes his head, buries his face in Axel's neck so he can feel it; he keeps sobbing that no, he can't, that even if he isn't himself anymore he can't be anything without Axel. They don't have to stay like _this_, things can just keep going the way they have been, as long as Axel _doesn't go_. Axel keeps kissing Roxas, trying to calm him again, whispering over and over that it's not forever, it's only for a while, that everything will be all right.

Roxas begs. When Sora begs, Axel can steel himself, but when Roxas begs, it tears Axel apart one piece at a time; Roxas rips off his armor until he hits skin and rips off his skin and fat and muscle until he gets to Axel himself, and Axel isn't his own so he can't do anything about it. Axel keeps saying no, Roxas keeps saying please. He says that Axel doesn't have to go, that this night wasn't a compromise, that everything's all right _now_.

Axel wavers.


End file.
